Am i still..

Am i still...

Am i still..



its been seconds

its been hours

its been days

its been weeks


been in pain

been in sorrow

been crying

been totally stressed out

been sick

been up

been down


“I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me.”



but im still into you…

do you feel the same?


ones said, 

hes not the right guy for me.

who is? 

ones said,

he didnt even know what im feeling for him.

do they?

ones said,

youre just to good for him, thats why he cant handle me.

am i?

ones said,

my love is deeply different from the love he gave.

do they know?


ive heard so many words, advice, lectures

but it does not sink in.

it does not.

is it because I dont listen and accept?

is it because I dont think?

is it because I used my heart than my brain?


is it because 

I just Love him that much 

that I let him 

affected me like this.



someone told me, ” Our hearts is just a representation of what we feel, it is still the mind that works. Dont let emotions fuck things up”

dont let emotion fuck things up… fuck things up…emotion…  I guess that is love.



im thankful for those people who try to cheep me up

but its still my job to decide.


I am easily attached to someone.

I love those who makes me laugh and smile

I love those who likes my playlist

I love those who could ride along with the craziest idea I have in mind

Even he cant sing, he will sing for me 

bcos he knows I love to hear him and

he knows it makes me happy.



how does my love be so much

that I didnt even notice 

I ended up strangling him 

is it purely bad?


I just dont like you flirting with somebody else.

even youre just talking/ chatting to some girls 

your convo seems to me like its flirting.

asking where does she live,

asking if shes single

asking her to go to your house (even if its a joke you tell her to go to your house, its still your job, your responsibility not to feel your girl shes in a competition to other girls for your attention, its your job to make her feel shes the only one.

girls are sensitive the way they are to the one they love.

what if I’ll do the same way you did? are you going to think its a joke? i guess not.)  

why/ how could i say its flirting, 

simply bcos im your girl.



but im still into you..

do you feel the sa?


I may seemed stupid.

but hey! Do you ever love somebody like I do?


so much with the jealousy

but who doesnt?

so much with promises

its hard to quit at something that before you met them youre already doing it,

but I try my best, do everything I could

but i guess that best isnt satisfy you yet.

so much with the tears

but you know how much i cried into small things.



Its my fault to act like that.

but cant you see its yours too?

look to both sides, positively or negatively

its our fault we ended up this relationship just like that.


I know im not the only one whose been stressed out,

crying all day and night,

didnt eat, didnt get enough sleep.

and I guess thats how it goes becaus we let that happen.



but im still into you…

do you feel the same?



you want my password? have it.

you want to look through my phone? go ahead.

you wanna stay and cuddle in? I’m there.

You dont like that guy whose talking to me? I wont talk to him.

you dont like it when guys post things on my wall? I’ll erase them.

I’ll stay faithful to you 100%

I got nothing to hide from you.


I expect the same 100% back.



now… im trying the best I could to make things back

not to the days before,

but to the days will come.

im doing this bcos there is something

in me saying this could work out, 

maybe not now…soon.


but i cant do this stuff alone.

I need you to do it with me.

A lil effort or just an effort.

I cant be like this everyday, 

im being heartless every second I started a convo, and it makes me feel unwated.

im being heartless every hour/ day you ignore me. 

im being heartless every night I cried.

im being heartless every time im with you and you are texting someone else rather than putting down your phone and talk to me.

every single day, it repeat itself,

im getting used to it..


I hear a lot of people saying

I would like to change the world!

Then there was me asking myself, how will they change the world? What kind of change do they mean?

Are they going to turn the world upside down?
Are they going to turn the grass into pink and not green, so other will enjoy the pink nature? How about me?
Are they going to plant more trees than to cut more tress? Which is good by the way.
But what? WHAAAAT?

Cause all I know the world is just awesome, the word is just fine until gremlins came, I mean we have air, fresh water, food resources, material resources, fine grass, ecosystem, beautiful scenery and there are places we call Paradise.

Don’t you THINK the world needs a CHANGE?
We can sleep, eat, rest, bath , its like everything is in ORDER.
we just need to cultivate it like ourselves.
Or the ones living in it NEEDS a change?

hey, generations and generation had passed and here we are in a modern world where everything is printed, and hello! Modern world, technology world
Disadvantage and advantage rises, but we do enjoyed having gadgets, and stuff.

29 is like from modernity to the past.
Where no one can surely change the world.
Only God can.

A tale from Panchatantra in India : The Lion Makers


From the story..

Four brahmans who lived in friendship, the three got scholarship meaning to say they are intelligent people, but lacked of sense and the other one did not found scholarship worthy, but has a sense.

Then after a long discussion whether the 4th Brahman can join to their quest, they all agreed.
While walking they saw this skeleton, which the first Brahman said, ” I can fix the skeleton to its original position”. Then the second said, ” I could supply skin, flesh and blood” and the third one said ” I can give it life”. So the first and second brahman done its part as what they have said, but as the third one intend to give life to the re-assemble skeleton, the fourth one shouted “that is a lion, you bring that to life and it will kill us all” but they didn’t listen, until the fourth brahman climbed into the tree. The three pride selfish brahmans remain on ground while giving life to the lion, so what happen next?
Off coursed they died, except the one who climbed in the tree.

Who would such intelligent people give life to an animal were it can cause your death? Hmm they are.

Now as much as my brain could think, it is plausible that having intelligence or intelligence + pride + selfishness can either kill you or stay alive but so many problems or haters around, but having the great sense of humor or common sense could actually hit harder than a bag full of invisible brains.
Or how about having intelligence and common sense can actually be happy, not only you can be happy but also for the people around you.
em’i saying it right? Or is my thought a clear one?

Its funny how hard you seek for something and end up dying.
Like in the story.
I’m not saying don’t seek or stop learning, have pride in whatever you do, just know your limitations. learning is wide and fun you just need to have a little pixie dust and fly! Believe.


I quote :
“Scholarship is less than sense;
Therefore seek intelligence:
Senseless scholars in their pride
Made a lion; then they died.”